Plans... and Back Up Plans

This is a pic from the San Juan Islands that I took on my first visit... it gives me something to look forward to.
"And I know that it's a wonderful world but i cant feel it right now. I thought I was doing well but I just want to cry now. Well I know that its a wonderful world from the sky down to the sea, but I can only see when you're here, here with me." ~ James Morrison, Wonderful World

Yesterday I found out my LSAT score. 158. That number now sticks to me like smoke to a jacket. I felt like I had done everything to prepare for the test, yet I can't help but wondering what went so wrong? I have been assured that 158 is a great score and it will get me into the majority of the schools I want to apply to when coupled with my GPA. However, I still can't help this sinking feeling of despair in my heart. I realize that I am blessed (see previous post), but it's just painful to think that sometimes the best isn't enough. It's difficult to think that I will be judged based on a number when I've worked so hard to be where I am. I realize that friends and family are proud of me... but why don't I feel proud? I feel sick, like I got punched in the gut and can't get my breath back. I never understood the cliche, "It was like being hit with a ton of bricks," until I opened the e-mail and saw the big 158. I suppose if I knew this was my best I would be pleased, but this is well below my average test scores and I can't help but feel cheated. According to the report I am in the 75th percentile. Is that good enough? Could I have done something different? Read a question more carefully? Taken more prep tests? Taken a logic course? These questions have haunted my quiet time and I have yet to answer one of them. I guess sometimes things don't go as planned. But it's still difficult not to continue planning. It's like how people say when they're dating someone that they aren't planning on any sort of future with them. They're just having fun in the moment. But if this is the case then why date? Why not just have fun? When people commit to a relationship, aren't they hedging their bets that it will work out in the long run? I know dating and testing are different, but there is still the feeling of minor heartbreak when they don't go as anticipated. I really hoped to get a UCLA worthy score, and although I am still going to apply, it hurts to think I may end up at the bottom of their pile. It hurts to feel rejected; even if it's self-rejection of some sort. I know this is no indicator of the type of attorney or student I will be, but I just wish it would have went differently. For now I'm going to take everyone's advice and put it in God's hands. I'm hurt and angry, not at the test or the admission process, trust me that would feel much better. I'm just mad at myself. I know I had potential to do better and not realizing my full potential has never sat well with me. I guess I will let it hurt for a little while and move on. I'm sure I will look back on this and laugh that I made it such a big deal, just like many past break-ups, but that doesn't change that it sucks in the moment and that it's a big deal right now.

I'm sorry if this was a depressing post, but I just want you to know how I feel. The deepest human defeat suffered by human beings is constituted by the difference between what one was capable of becoming and what one has in fact become. I guess I'm just promising myself that this test won't become me; it will only make me stronger.

"Did you ever see an unhappy horse? Did you ever see bird that had the blues? One reason why birds and horses are not unhappy is because they are not trying to impress other birds and horses." ~ Dale Carnegie

Let not your heart be troubled: ye believe in God, believe also in me. In my Father's house are many mansions: if it were not so, I would have told you. I go to prepare a place for you. And if I go and prepare a place for you, I will come again, and receive you unto myself; that where I am, there ye may be also.

~ John 14:1-3 ~