Exodus

"The road of life twists and turns and no two directions are ever the same. Yet our lessons come from the journey, not the destination."

It's funny how certain events in our lives can make us feel, or trick us into feeling, suddenly so grown up.

On March 25 I said goodbye to Michigan and hello to a new life: a life away from the safety of home. I've always seen myself as being independent. Whenever some Internet site or questionnaire asks me to describe myself in three words, "independent," is one of the three. However, I never really knew what living on my own might entail. In fact, I still really don't know.

Dad and I packed the Focus full of clothes, make-up, jewelry, shoes, DVDs, blankets, and pictures. But I realized after I made it safely, thank God, to Washington state, I forgot to pack something: my family. I'm officially on my own now. I've moved out of the house and I'm currently living out of a car. Whoever said living with your parents after school is a bad thing was sadly mistaken. Living with parents is much better than living out of a suitcase.

Our trip lasted five days and spanned over 2,000 miles. In that time I got to see cows, fields, mountains, cows, rivers, lakes, cows, horses, and cows. In fact, I really don't think I'm exaggerating to say that mom and I saw millions of cows from Michigan to Washington (most of which resided in Iowa and Nebraska). There was one part of the trip that sticks out in my mind and believe it or not it was in Nebraska! There was a big black cow standing all alone in the middle of an endless pasture under a billboard that read, "See where the American Journey began. Next exit." I wonder what it was like for the pioneers to cross the vast plains with no roads much less a GPS system. Mom and I joked that I would probably get wagon sick and bail out before my oxen had to ford any rivers. This brought me back to second grade when I played Oregon Trail with my friends. It's funny how time flies and yet so many things remain the same. When we stopped at a McDonald's in Western Nebraska and I was confronted by a small boy who wanted to know where I was from. He said it was obvious I was an out-of-towner and asked if I was from Minnesota. Minnesota? I didn't say, "Ay, don't-ya-know," or any other typical yooper talk, but it was obvious to him I was an alien in his town. I think it's funny how you can be an stranger in your own country. So many people get caught up in their own communities and ways of life that they don't even realize there could be something beyond themselves.

We stopped in Davenport, Iowa; Laramie, WY; Boise, ID; and then finally in Portland, OR. On the way, mom and I listened to a book on tape called Nineteen Minutes, by Jodi Picoult. It was about a school shooting and all the lives it affected, including the shooter and his family's. Although extremely sad, it really makes you think about the impact one person can have on another. Sometimes a kind word is all it takes to change the course of someone's life and possibly the course of many lives. I wasn't miss popularity in high school. I hit my social peak in college. However, I never found myself being teased or in the "wrong crowd," it's just that sometimes I felt like I just blended in. The book made me wonder if I could have done anything different: been a little nicer, stood up for someone who needed it, or befriended the less popular kids. The book, all 18 CDs of it, was about more than an outcast's revenge, it was about stepping outside yourself and your own ambitions and reaching out to somebody in need. I would totally recommend the book and think it should be mandatory reading in high school Sociology classes.

The highlight of the trip was seeing family. We stayed with my grandma and grandpa in Boise, who I haven't seen since 2006. I could tell that it was hard for mom to spend such a short time with them. It really made me realize the impact a family can have on your life. She moved away 22 years ago and still misses life at home with her parents. I know I've joked about never returning to Michigan, but I would rather live in Michigan than live away from my parents for that long. (Mom, I know you are reading this and getting excited, but that previous comment doesn't mean I want to live next door forever either. lol.) But I do mean what I say when I talk about how important my family is to me. I know I'll be away for a while, but it's just long enough to learn how to stand on my own two feet. One day I hope to live close to my parents and Mikie again. I just hope there will be even more family nearby. I've lived far from my mom's side of the family my whole life, yet I can't help but feel so close to them. It's like no matter how long it is between visits, we can always pick back up right where we started. I'm really looking forward to my grandparents' 50th Anniversary this June and to seeing them again.

My journey from home is just beginning. I am staying with my Aunt Jen and her family for a few days in Vancouver, WA before I drive up the coast to the island. I remember when my "Auntie Jen" was living with my grandma and grandpa and whenever I'd visit she was my playmate... or so I thought. haha. Now she has a family of her own, which somehow seems weird to me. I guess we all grow up at some point. We all make a journey away from the familiar and are faced with change. Life itself is a journey. You can't expect to go anywhere looking in the rearview mirror. You have to have a goal in mind and shoot for it. Live in the present, don't forget the past, and aim beyond the road directly in front of you. Don't stress over traffic... it happens. Sometimes we collide with other people, but don't get bent outta shape because time does heal wounds. Cross the bridges, even if you don't know what's on the other side. It's ok to speed as long as you take time to slow down for the important landmarks. And most importantly remember that the trip isn't half as good without having passengers you love. I love you mom and thanks for being the best backseat driver I've ever had!

For My Family

There's no combination of words I could put on the back of a postcard, no song that I could sing but I can try for your heart. Our dreams, and they are made out of real things like a shoebox of photographs with sepia-toned loving. Love is the answer at least for most of the questions in my heart, like, "Why are we here? And where do we go? And how come it's so hard?" It's not always easy and sometimes life can be deceiving. I'll tell you one thing, it's always better when we're together.

For My Mom:

"A mother is she who can take the place of all others but whose place no one else can take."

For some reason I have a feeling my move is going to be the hardest on you. This isn't because I think you're too emotional, but because I know how much work and emotion was invested in raising me. Not many daughters can call their best friend and their mother the same person. But you're my best friend. I can call you at 10:00 at night to vent about my day and fill you in on the latest gossip. The only change when I move will be that those calls may come at 1:00 in the morning due to the time change. If I felt alone, you were my shadow. If I wanted to cry, you were my shoulder. If I needed a hug, you were my pillow. If I needed to be happy, you were my smile. And most of all, when I needed a friend, you were just you. It's easy to be motivated and confident when you grow up with somebody who tells you that you can be anything you want.

I know I tease that I don't want kids, but this is just because it seems so far off. However, I have wondered about what kind of mother I would be. Would I be able to cry over lost boyfriends? Would I be able to keep my cool in the cheering sections? Would I be able to give up the things I want for the ones I love? Would I be able to work with no vacation, because housework can be a much bigger task than office work? Could I change dirty diapers, wipe yucky noses, and rock little ones to sleep? Would I learn to drive a horse trailer if it meant fulfilling a dream? Would I share in defeats, relish in the victories, and learn from mistakes? I think one of the reasons parenting seems so tough for me is because I've had the best mom. People often say they'll be better than their parents and they'll fix all the wrongs. But I often wonder how I could be better. How could I outdo the mom who did so much? A mother's children are supposed to be portraits of herself. I want to do you justice. I want people to meet me and say, "I want to meet that girl's mother. She did it right."

Tenneva Johnson said, "A mother is a person who seeing there are only four pieces of pie for five people, promptly announces she never did care for pie." That is totally something you would say. You give of yourself so much, yet there is always something left; something more you give. I want to thank you for all you've given. Don't feel like because I'm moving away that those pieces of your heart you've given are going too. They're coming with me, but they're also staying with you in the memories we've shared together. You are my angel who God put in my life to remind me of what he wants me to do: clean my room, get dressed up once in a while, be polite, and most importantly to make wise choices. A mother is someone who dreams great dreams for you, but then she lets you chase the dreams you have for yourself and loves you just the same.

Remember when you used to read me Winnie the Pooh? There was one story where Piglet sidled up to Pooh from behind. "Pooh!" he whispered. "Yes, Piglet?" "Nothing," said Piglet, taking Pooh's paw. "I just wanted to be sure of you." I will take you with me wherever I go, like Piglet took Pooh's paw. It's so much easier to be sure of things when you're around. I know you will be far away, but anywhere is walking distance... if you've got the time. Richard Bach once asked, "Can miles truly separate you from friends.... If you want to be with someone you love, aren't you already there?" I'm already there. I love you mom.

For My Dad:

"Role modeling is the most basic responsibility of parents. Parents are handing life's scripts to their children, scripts that in all likelihood will be acted out for the rest of the children's lives."

The Bible says that God is our Heavenly Father. Matthew 7:11 explains it further, "If you, then, though you are earthly, know how to give good gifts to your children, how much more will your Father in heaven give good gifts to those who ask him!" I believe that when Matthew wrote this, he was thinking of you, dad. It's hard for me to imagine a better father and role model than you. If God treats his children even better than you have treated me, then believers are in for something pretty amazing when they go to heaven.

I always get a good laugh when mom teases me and says, "Megan, you're just like your father." This is one of the best compliments I could receive. Dad, you have not only given me the gift of life, but you have given me the gift of true living. You are such a strong spiritual, and let's face it, financial, leader in our home. I have never gone wanting anything. When I wanted a horse, a car, a college education, or even just $20 here and there; you were there to support me. It's going to be hard for me to go out on my own without my daddy's firm hug and promise that he'll take care of everything. Because that's what you've done. You've taken care of everything. We've done some pretty great things together. We went to daddy daughter dances, built the biggest and best blanket forts, when on a Zodiac boat to see whales, Tulsa to show Dancer, the San Juan Islands to see more whales, deep sea fishing in the Bahamas, we swam with dolphins, and visited Mickey Mouse on many occasions. You even helped me realize my dream of going to the Kentucky Derby by writing a letter to the Derby council and requesting tickets for me and mom. But just because we've had so many memorable adventures together doesn't mean it has to end with me moving away. I still owe you a round at Pebble Beach and some more trips, only maybe this time they'll be on me.

You are the dad that everyone thinks of when they envision the perfect father. You opened the jar of pickles when no one else could. You weren't afraid to go into the basement by yourself. You cut yourself shaving, but no one kissed it or got excited about it. It was understood when it snowed, that you would get the car all nice and warm. When anyone was sick, you went out to get the prescription filled. You taught us about God, sports, and politics. You took us on trips and took even more pictures... being content even if you weren't in them. I can still remember the bedtime stories you used to tell me at night. You'd tell me stories about Megan and her dolphin friends and then would leave me to finish the tales in my dreams. "Good parents give their children Roots and Wings. Roots to know where home is, wings to fly away and exercise what's been taught them." Dad, you have given me a great start, a great story. Now it's time for you to let me go and finish what you've started by chasing those dreams. I love you papa!

For My Brother:

I’ve spent a few days thinking about what the most important things are to tell you before I leave. I know it might be difficult for you to understand right now, but as you grow up you will find the time will come to stretch your legs, spread your wings, and see where they will take you. I know I will be moving far away, but that doesn’t mean that I have to feel far away. The webcam and the phone will be useful resources for us over the next few years, not to mention I will be visiting and you will be more than welcome to come see me.I know sometimes I frustrate you with all my advice and bossing you around. I realize it’s probably time I tone that down. It’s just hard for me to give up the role of big sister/mom #2. I know I joke that I wanted a sister, but you were far from a let down. You are the best brother a sister could ask for. You’re smart, funny, and very talented (take after your sis quite well). And Oh, the places you'll go! I can’t imagine my life without you in it. Sometimes I push you hard and give you a rough time, but it’s not out of spite. I really do want what’s best for you. I see so much potential in your life and I want to help you achieve it. I may not be in the room across the hall, but I will still be in your corner. You can count on me to always have your back; I’m always on your side; in your cheering section.

Maya Angelou said, “I don't believe an accident of birth makes people sisters or brothers. It makes them siblings, gives them mutuality of parentage. Sisterhood and brotherhood is a condition people have to work at.” I want to work to be the best sister you could ever have. I know I’m not perfect, and I hope you don’t expect that, but I love you more than anything in the world. I remember when you got in that car accident and the police called us. The thought that something could have happened to you was more than I could handle. At that point I was ready to give away everything I had to make sure you were alright. No failure you encounter, which you will encounter; no bad choice; nothing you say could ever make me stop loving you. I know you hate me saying it, but you’re my little brother, my little cookie-faced bub, and I’m here for you forever… even if I’m thousands of miles away. A part of you has grown in me. And so you see, it’s you and me together forever and never apart, maybe in distance, but never in heart. I love you Michael.

Droplets

I'm leaving you. I'm not sure if that’s what I should do. It hurts so bad. I'm wanting you but can't go back. Trying to find that all elusive peace of mind. Stuck here somehow, shrouded beneath my fear and doubt. And I don’t need it 'cuz I'm walkin down this road alone and figured all I'm thinking bout is you. And my head is in a cloud of rain, and the world it seems so far away, and I'm just waiting for the droplets. Droplets to fall. You left a mark. I wear it proudly on my chest above my heart to remind me that I feel the best when I'm with you. When I'm with you, to me everything is effortless. You know it's true... So I'm just waiting on the droplets, the droplets to fall. ~ Colbie Caillat, Droplets

This weekend was Travis's last with me before I move. It's so weird that I leave tomorrow. I've been packing and planning, but no matter how prepared you feel, it's impossible to prepare to leave the people you love.

Some of my fondest memories of Travis are when he would sit on his bed and play the guitar for me. He's in the process of making me a CD with our favorite songs of him playing the guitar and singing along. I'm really excited to hear it when he sends it out... apparently it's a big work in progress. In the meantime, Travis bought me a really pretty opal ring (to the right) as a "remember me when you're gone" type gift. Opal is the birthstone of October, the month we began dating. We thought it would make a perfect gemstone for the centerpeice of the ring. Opals are said to enhance insight and dispel fears. The word "opal" was derived from the Greek word "opallus," which means to see a change in color… which I believe really demonstrates this stage in my life. Many things are changing, and change can be frightening and somehow all together beautiful. Our lives are in a constant state of flux: economies fall; we get old; we declare war; we fight for peace; nations die; nations rise; but one thing remains constant: family and love.

It was really difficult to say goodbye to Travis. We've only dated for five months and it's scary to think that we won't see each other for another four months. My only regret in dating Travis is that we didn't date sooner. No matter what we're doing, whether it's watching a movie, taking a road trip, or doing absolutely nothing, we still have a great time. It's nice to be with someone who's considerate and knows how to have fun. I'm really looking forward to Travis visiting me in the islands for my birthday. He hasn't been to the west coast and I'd like to show him the places that I've loved since I was little. Again, we know this is going to be hard and it will take a lot of work, but I don't think I could live with myself if I didn't try.

"Love doesn't make the world go round. Love is what makes the ride worthwhile."

He Lives

Happy Easter!!!

"Jesus said unto her I am the resurrection, and the life; he that believeth in me, though he were dead, yet shall he live; And whosoever liveth and believeth in me shall never die. Believest thou this?" ~ John 11:25-26

"O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory? This is so true that even Satan cannot deny it. Christ's resurrection and victory over sin, death and hell is greater than all heaven and earth. You can never imagine his resurrection and victory so great but that in actuality it is far, far greater."
~ Martin Luther ~

**The resurrection gives my life meaning and direction and the opportunity to start over no matter what my circumstances.**

"There are two ways to live your life:
One as if nothing is a miracle.
The other, as if everything is a miracle."
~ Albert Einstein ~

Dancing in my Heart

There's something about the outside of a horse that's good for the inside of a person.

Above: RR Raindance Roamer {Dancer}

I visited Dancer for the last time before I move today. It's hard to believe that I bought him nine years ago, meaning I've owned him for half his life (hopefully the better half). I remember how difficult it was to find him. I had been in gymnastics for so long, or so it felt, that I didn't know if I could find something else I'd be interested in. Every child makes big plans for the future whether we recognize it or not. Little league players want to be the next Derek Jeter; junior ice skaters dream of being the next Michelle Kwan; rocket football boys have Barry Sanders aspirations; and I wanted to win Olympic Gold just like Shannon Miller. When do we realize that some childhood dreams are simply that, dreams? How do we decide it's time to give up and move on? What is it that makes us quit believing? I quit believing in my Olympic dreams at age twelve and tried to take my mind off it by riding horses. I desperately worked to prove to my parents that I was responsible and horses weren't just a phase. Somehow my puppy dog faces, begging, and hard work paid off because in the winter of 1998 my dad said I could look for a horse. But there was a catch, it had to work within the "budget." I instantly began planning the perfect horse. I would buy a champion. I wanted a mare who would be 15.2 hands tall. She'd be a bay tobiano Paint and I'd have little baby horses running around each spring and win ribbons each fall. Looking back on it I realize how foolish I was and how sometimes not getting what you want can be a wonderful blessing.

"Some creatures come into our lives and quickly go. But some stay for a while and leave footprints on our hearts and we are never, ever the same."

We got word of Dancer from a girl on my gymnastics team whose mom showed horses locally. She said she knew of a Pinto gelding who might be for sale and gave us the number. I remember I was just about to give up when we pulled into Dancer's barn. Every Paint we looked at so far was too expensive. We walked into the arena and I saw him for the first time. He was short, fat, too white, chestnut, and a boy... basically everything I didn't want. My heart sank when the lady began talking about him and how she simply used him for trail rides. So much for my champion. My mom was intrigued, seeing as how he was the first decent spotted horse in our price range. I, on the other hand, was hard to convince. I decided not to let the trip be a complete waste and agreed to ride him. He was lazy and his trot was too bumpy, but as soon as we began cantering I knew I found the one. I found the horse that I was going to keep for the rest of my life and he was nothing like I imagined, but somehow perfect. Although I could see his hidden potential at the time, I never knew how far we would go together. We bought Dancer in April of 1999 and my life hasn't been the same since.

"Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Simply walk beside me and be my friend."

Dancer and I taught each other more than the basics of English, Western, Dressage, Jumping, Trail, Showmanship, and Halter. We taught each other what it means to be a team. I know people find it difficult to believe that a person can establish a bond with a horse. Everyone always laughs when I tell them that Dancer has a personality all of his own... which my mom seems to think is much like my own. He begs, throws tantrums, rolls in mud like a pig, and eats way more than he needs (which has prepared me quite well for college guys). Despite his imperfections, Dancer has always been willing to learn. He worked so hard for me leading up to the 2004 World Show and gave me everything I asked for while we were there. I couldn't have won anything without him giving his best. I think that's what is so rewarding about riding horses. Dancer didn't have to do anything I asked him to, but for the desire to please me did it anyway. I've competed on teams and by myself before, but something about working successfully with an animal, who has no internal desire to compete, makes winning together all the more gratifying. I can proudly say I did most of the work on Dancer, despite 30 days with a trainer to get him started. This gives me a true sense of ownership of our accomplishments and makes it even more difficult to leave him.

"Sometimes the best isn't last, but simply the beginning."

I put Dancer up for lease so that somebody can show him love and give him exercise when I leave, not to mention I need help with his bills. However, it's still hard for me to let go and see someone other than me enjoying him. I realize that seems selfish, but I can't help being possessive. He's my baby, my work, and my pride. It's hard to think that he might enjoy seeing someone else at the gate with treats, or that he may want to work just as hard for somebody other than me. Dancer has a piece of my heart and leaving him in Michigan is like leaving a piece of my heart here too. I can take comfort in the fact that he's at Nottawa under Denise's care while I'm gone. I can tell that she loves and appreciates him, which makes the separation much easier knowing he's well taken care of. Horses are a huge investment, not just of money, but of time and affection. Everyone that understands investments knows how important it is to take care of them and keep them safe... Nottawa Paint Horse Farm is that safe place. Dancer will stay there until I have the money and the place to move him closer to me. I'm sure you're wondering why I don't just sell him and get another one down the road. The easiest way to explain it is that I can't put a price on him. I really can't. No amount of money will allow me to sell the relationship we've built together. I plan on Dancer getting old with me... even if that means by the time I get him out west he'll only be useful as a yard ornament. haha.

"Each step is a dance, the rider's dance as well as the dance of the horse."

It was tough to say goodbye, but goodbye is not goodbye forever. When I brought him back to the pasture I explained to him that I wouldn't be back for a while, but that Denise and Kevin would take good care of him. I know it's ridiculous to think he understood, but he stayed at the gate until I finally left just wanting me to pet him. I would like to believe he knew I'd miss him and that he'll miss me too. He will see warm weather one day and maybe by then I'll be able to afford to get him a friend, like Blossom for example. I know this post may be difficult for you to understand, being that many of those who read this are not horse owners. The point is that some dreams don't come true, but that's no reason to give up on dreaming. Dancer gave me a reason to keep dreaming. He proved to me that there's no substitute for hard work and that no love, no friendship, can cross the path of our destiny without leaving some mark on it forever. These next few days will be tough. I'm excited for the move, but it would be so much better if I could take everyone I care about with me. I just have to trust God, knowing that we will all be together again someday soon. Now, I need to stop writing because my tears are making it a bit difficult to continue. Pathetic, but so true. Until next time...

Everyone hears what you say. Friends listen to what you say. Best friends listen to what you don't say.

“And God took a handful of southerly wind, blew his breath upon it, and created the horse. He said to the magnificent creature, 'I have made thee as no other. All the treasures of the earth shall lie between thy eyes. Thou shalt cast thy enemies between thy hooves, but thou shalt carry my friends upon thy back. Thy saddle shall be the seat of prayers to me. And thou shalt fly without any wings, and conquer without any sword.' And then he whispered to the horse, 'Trust no man in whose eyes thy do not see thyself reflected as an equal. Only when they see through the eyes of a horse, can they lead the dance of the mind.'”

~ The Qur'an ~

Kegs & Eggs

Happy St. Patty's Day!!!

"Here's to the wine we love to drink, and the food we like to eat. Here's to our husbands and sweethearts, let's pray they never meet."

May the road rise to meet you,

May the wind be always at your back,

May the sun shine warm upon your face,

The rains fall soft upon your fields and,

Until we meet again,

May God hold you in the palm of His hand.

~ Irish Blessing ~

Family Ties

The road to success is not straight. There is a curve called Failure, a loop called Confusion, speed bumps called Friends, red lights called Enemies, caution lights called Family. You will have flats called Jobs. But, if you have a spare called Determination, an engine called Perseverance, insurance called Faith, and a driver called JESUS... you will make it to a place called Success.

Above: Our fam; Grandma & Grandpa Young; my dad's brother, Eric; his wife, Tammy; and our cousins Aubrey and Schuyler.

This weekend was my last weekend to visit friends and see my dad's side of the family before I leave. It's weird to have only nine days left in Michigan. I'm ready to leave the poor weather, poor economy, and poor job situation but the more I think about everything I hate in Michigan, the more I realize all the people here that I love.

I went to Grand Valley this weekend to have my going away party at one of my favorite bars called McFadden's in downtown Grand Rapids. Although there were some unfortunate circumstances on the way to the party (namely friends who didn't hold up their end of the deal), I finally made it and was able to hang out with the people who have been such a big part of my life these past four years. I was able to hang out with Chelsea, my roomie from this past semester, and she hopes to visit me in the islands. I also got to spend time with the guys and friends from class. I was really able to consider all my accomplishments at Grand Valley both academically and relationally while I sat on the bar stool reminiscing about old times. I laughed with my friends, cried with them, shared in their victories and defeats, went on road trips with them, stayed up late at night talking with them, and survived to tell the story of it. haha. I agree with Agnes DeMille when she said, "I learned three important things in college - to use a library, to memorize quickly and visually, and how to drop asleep at any time given a horizontal surface and fifteen minutes." Some valuable lessons. I also learned that friends are not a guarantee. Friendship, much like life, is a process. You cannot think that because you have it means it will always be there. You have to continue to work at your relationships in order to maintain their health. Not all friendships last; some are meant for a small place in time, while a select few have an impact on your life forever. I also learned that friendship with yourself can be even more important than friendship with others, because without self acceptance it's difficult to be a true friend. I will miss my friends when I move and hopefully I will make more great friends out there to carry with me for the rest of my life. I think there's some sort of We Sing in Sillyville song that talks about this. It goes something like, "Make new friends but keep the old. One is silver, the other gold." People never know how special some friends are until they leave. But maybe sometimes it's important to leave, so they are given that chance to see how special those people really are.

When I came home today we drove to Turkeyville to see my dad's family. It was nice to get together and talk about things ranging from politics, to my new job, to questions about how I will survive California. hahaha. I think people in Michigan might fear California because it's so different. However, this is exactly what I'm excited about. I think it's impossible to really know who you are until you thrust yourself into many diverse situations and see which ones suit you best. I realize the concerns could be semi-legit and I will take all the advice with me, although I will not be purchasing a hand gun any time soon. My aunt does not live in Compton by any means. LOL. I know I won't lose sight of who I am, but sometimes it's a good thing to reinvent yourself. The way I see it, if you're not changing then you're not growing, and if you're not growing then you're dead.

I've said over and over how much I will miss the people I love back here. I'm excited to start this new season of my life and I won't forget to stay in touch with family and friends. Seasons change. So do cities. People come into your life, and people go. But it's comforting to know the ones you love are always in your heart and if you're lucky, just a plane ride away.

Megan on Dating

"Jagshemash! In U.S. of A., if you want to marry a girl, you cannot just go to her father and swap her for 15 gallons of pesticide. Here you have to do something called dating." ~ Borat

Above: Me and Trav at the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago.

When I was in high school I made the mistake of doing something called "dating." I don't really know how high schoolers really date. It seems odd to me now, because back then I couldn't even drive for half the time I had those boyfriends. Note to self: you shouldn't date if you can't drive. Not only that, I had just begun attending Lakeview and I really didn't know anybody, much less who I was myself. Another note to self: if you don't know who the heck you are, don't start looking for someone to "complete you."

Most of my time in high school was spent in relationships and, looking back, I wish I had focused on myself more. I reached this epiphany when my high school boyfriend and I broke up in college. I decided that I was dating people as a security blanket and needed to branch out into single life. And that is exactly what I did. I spent three years hanging out with friends, partying, and of course: flirting. Although I had a few "boyfriends" along the way, I simply dated them because they were fun in the moment and had a similar circle of friends. One more note to self: dating someone simply because they're fun works great for a few days, but there are a lot of fun losers out there. I decided that this relational lifestyle was perfect for me since I had plans to go to law school in California... and then I met Travis.

Trav and I met in law society last September. Initially I thought he was cute, but I had no intentions of dating him because it seemed like it would never work with my ambitions. However, given my flirtatious attitude I couldn't just let him attend meetings without inviting myself to a movie with him. Needless to say we hit it off and here we are faced with the "big move" after dating for five months.

This weekend I went to Jackson to visit Trav's family for the last time before I head to San Juan. Travis and I had talked about wanting to take some fun trip together before I move, and we decided this was the time to do it. So we packed up his dad's Civic and headed to the Shedd Aquarium in Chicago with his younger sister, Sarah (in the pic to the right).

We had an awesome time looking at all the fish, dolphins, beluga whales, and other sea creatures. Of course my favorites were the Pacific White-Sided Dolphins, which were the type of dolphins I worked with when I was a "guest trainer" at Sea World. Trav enjoyed the Amazon exhibit, but wished they would turn down the humidifiers because he layered up for the cold weather in the windy city. He pretty much gave the Shedd visitors a strip show with all the layers he took off. lol. Sarah enjoyed the reef exhibit with the sharks and coral. It was nice that she came along because it gave me a chance to get to know her better. After all, Travis and I agree that if you can't get along with somebody's family, then you might as well break up to save yourself the grief.

We also got to see a Komodo Dragon up close in the lizard exhibit. I never knew how HUGE they were! (This pic below doesn't do it justice.) It's one thing to see animals on TV, but it's quite another when you are standing on the other side of a window from a present day dinosaur. It's so nice to travel to other worlds through the television, but you can't replace real life experience.

After the aquarium we ate at the Cheesecake Factory, did a little shopping, and then made the four hour trip back home. I never imagined dating a guy like Travis before I moved. I had promised myself to stay single for as long as possible, but when you meet somebody as compassionate, considerate, and as fun as Travis it's hard to keep that promise. I know it will be tough to stay together with so much distance between us. I will see him the next two weekends and then I won't see him until my birthday in July. We both accept this challenge and will work to see what happens in the future. I've learned that it's difficult to plan everything. Sometimes you have to take things as they come and see where you end up. Until next time...

May your joys be as deep as the ocean... your sorrows as light as its foam.

My Brother's Keeper

"To the outside world we all grow old. But not to brothers and sisters. We know each other as we always were. We know each other's hearts. We share private family jokes. We remember family feuds and secrets, family griefs and joys. We live outside the touch of time." ~ Clara Ortega

Yesterday Mikie and I got the chance to hang out via dinner and a movie. Bub is getting so big that some people may have thought we were on an actual date, so I tried to call him Bub as much as possible ~ somehow I think that's something a sister would call someone as opposed to a girlfriend. We went to Applebee's, did some shopping, and saw Jumper.

Our roles seem to be slowly reversing as we get older. Now Mikie is more suspicious of boyfriends, he can push me around, and is completing math problems I barely remember. He's becoming the protector and it's difficult for me to adjust to. This was especially obvious when there was a make-out scene in the movie we saw. I was trying to figure out how to handle it: do I make a joke, pretend it's not happening, say some sort of "older sister" serious-like comment, etc. Just as I was about to tease him by covering his eyes, he covered mine. Hmmmm. It gave us both a good laugh and relieved the apparent awkwardness, but it gave me a role reversal wake up call.

I understand that I can't keep Michael young forever, but sometimes I do wish I could go back to the days where he believed everything I told him. I used to tell him my birthmark on my arm pit was a snake bite, and he actually went along with it. Now he sites that story as an example for how "mean" I am. I miss when he woke me up at 5 a.m. to tell me that there were wild anteaters in our backyard, when they were clearly wild turkeys. I miss the way he ate warm cookies when he was a baby and they got all over his face. I miss when he'd ask me to cuddle him in his Simba chair while sucking his thumb and rubbing his baby blankie. I wonder where the time went? I guess there must be some moment in everyone's childhood where the door opens and lets the future in. In this moment innocence is lost to an extent and blind trust is replaced with skepticism. We gain manners, but lose our sense of adventure. We grow pimples, wear makeup, and say what we don't mean. Bub is changing from an awkward little munchkin who preferred to pee outside with his shirt to his chin and pants to the floor into a mature young man with ambition to find his place in the world.

I got Mikie the book Oh, the Places You'll Go. He is growing up, but he's not done and unfortunately that means that I'm going to miss some things. I glued pictures of us in the pages of the book and wrote him a note telling him how I'll miss him and that I'm proud to be his big but not bigger sister. He, or should I say mom, got me a circular diamond necklace. The circle of course symbolizing unity, wholeness, and infinity. Mom believes this represents our relationship. Mikie and I found this funny because a similar speech about the circle was given during the gay marriage in the recent comedy I now Pronounce you Chuck and Larry. Regardless of its symbolic meaning, it means everything to me because it's from my brother. I'm sure I'll be wearing it a lot.

Either way, it was a great evening and I'll miss times like this when I move.

Growing Up
by Melissa S. Rawls

Life is so easy when you are young. When kisses heal boo-boos and lullabies are sung. It seemed that life could go on for years, as long as the nightlight was there to quiet our fears. Why does growing up have to be so hard? When did the world become bigger than our own back yard?There is no more recess to stop the stress of the school day. There are no more falling stars that can take our worries away. Decisions are more complicated now that we are grown. Why cant we go back to when life was our own?